Student Handbook
Policies, guidelines, and expectations for all enrolled students at Globalist University.
Attendance Policy
Attendance is optional.
Presence in Slack counts.
Asynchronous participation is encouraged.
If you can ship code from a coffee shop in Lisbon, you are present.
Academic Integrity
Students may use AI tools.
However, students must still pretend the ideas were their own.
Citing ChatGPT in academic papers is acceptable but slightly embarrassing.
Plagiarism from Twitter threads is considered 'research synthesis.'
Group Projects
Students may form startup teams.
Your co-founder may disappear.
Equity splits should be discussed early and awkwardly.
Ghosting your group is frowned upon but statistically common.
Office Hours
Professors maintain virtual office hours.
Response times vary from 5 minutes to 3 weeks.
DMs are open but not guaranteed.
If urgent, try tagging them in a public Slack channel.
Grading Policy
Grades are pass/fail.
Passing requires shipping something.
Quality is subjective.
Effort is noted but not rewarded.
Grades will not be discussed. Focus on learning.
Career Services
Career services include:
• Podcasts
• Twitter threads
• Vague encouragement
• A Notion database of 'opportunities'
Career counselors are available but will mostly ask about your content strategy.
Mental Health Resources
The university acknowledges that modern careers are stressful.
We recommend:
• Touching grass
• Closing Twitter
• Calling a friend (not a 'networking call')
• Remembering that nobody actually knows what they're doing
Academic Calendar
The academic year runs continuously.
There are no breaks because the internet never sleeps.
Holidays are acknowledged but not enforced.
Summer is for shipping side projects.
Dress Code
Business casual is acceptable for Zoom calls.
Patagonia vests are optional but culturally significant.
Hoodies are the standard uniform.
Pants are encouraged but not required (depending on camera angle).
Campus Conduct
Be respectful in all digital spaces.
Ratio-ing classmates is discouraged.
Subtweeting professors will be noted.
Main character syndrome is a recognized but unexcused condition.
Graduation Requirements
To graduate from Globalist University, students must:
• Launch at least one project
• Pivot at least once
• Experience mild existential uncertainty
• Write a reflection post (LinkedIn acceptable)
Completion time varies. There is no rush. The degree is equally meaningless whenever you finish.
Last Updated
Continuously. Like everything else.